Petshop Turtles
by vacant houses
Summary: "You mean, he really isn't our father? We were adopted?" Join us for the epic crack-fic that features turtles starting a machine cult, turtles who actually aren't turtles, and turtles who explode into caramel!
1. In which the truth is revealed

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. If you don't know what a crack fic is, I'd advise looking up Serendepity, she has many wonderful TMNT crack fics. I've never written crack before, so it's been an interesting learning experience. Nevertheless, a crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there, but not the fics themselves. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG.

* * *

><p>"You are not our father!"<p>

The shrill, high-pitched scream of horror echoed through the lair, early one morning, waking three sleeping turtles. Raphael grunted briefly before he was deposited onto the floor by his hammock as he automatically reacted to the piercing cry.

"Jesus fucking Christ of Baghdad!" he fought valiantly against his bed sheets for several seconds after mistaking them for a Mikey-glomp attack, then abandoned the battle and shot out of his room to investigate whatever crisis Leo was having at this ungodly hour.

A Leo and Splinter freak out was always entertaining after all.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Leo's manly scream of horror traveled far enough to reach an obscure corner of the lair, known as Planet Michelangelo. Mikey groaned as the sound reverberated through the room – his brothers had specifically chosen this one for him due to the astounding acoustics – and burrowed further underneath his bed sheets.<p>

This was definitely Leo-the-Den-Nazi's retaliation for him deleting all Leo's music and replacing it with that Rebecca Black's song, 'Friday.'

* * *

><p>Donatello, unfortunately, had been working late the previous night and had fallen asleep inside his lab, aka ground zero.<p>

"Who's your daddy?" Don purred as he swaggered into the warm water.

"You are not our father!" Renet bellowed in a disturbingly male voice.

Donatello swore unhappily as Jhanna flinched away from Renet, disappearing entirely in the thick foam of soap bubbles. He set off to retrieve the warrior leader, then realized that Renet had sounded exactly like Leo.

He awoke with a small cry of distress, twitching for several moments as he tried to bleach his mind. When his brain finally started working, he quickly realized Renet had not undergone a laryngectomy. Leo's unsexy voice had sadly decided to impose itself on his dream involving himself, Renet, Jhanna and a jacuzzi.

Stupid Leo.

He sighed heavily, heart beat finally calming, switched his computer on and wandered out to the dojo – might as well see what was going on that had rudely interrupted his fantasies.

The moment he stepped through the door, Leo swung round with a deranged expression and for one moment, Don's heart stopped as several scenarios ran through his head.

_Oh my god, he found my SasuNaru fanfics!_

"We need to talk," Leo announced gravelly. "All of us."

* * *

><p>Leo stood tensely against the dojo wall as his brothers settled in front of Master Splinter of the floor. "So," Mikey yawned as he slumped tiredly, "What's going on?"<p>

Master Splinter gazed contemplatively at his children. "My sons," he said, "it has recently come to my attention that-"

"You are NOT our father," Leo interrupted. "You have no right to refer to us as your sons."

His three brothers goggled dumbly at him for a moment, then back to the elderly rat to see what Splinter would say in his defense. "It has come to my attention," their sensei repeated, "that I may not have been entirely truthful with you."

Three sets of eyes blinked. "He lied to us," Leo added with a manic edge to his voice. "All these years and he never thought to tell us the truth! But I figured it out, you see!"

"Leonardo," Splinter coughed as he interrupted, "I should explain this."

"NO!" Leo bellowed, "No, you don't! You are not our father; you don't get to tell us what to do!"

Splinter's ears flattened but he was sufficiently cowed into silence.

Leo began to pace nervously as he began to speak, "Do you remember, ever since we were young, Splinter told us he used his super advanced ninjitsu to make everyone think that he was really a rat? That one day, our chi abilities would be advanced enough for us to be ninja masters and we would see his true turtle form?"

Raph and Don both nodded as they acknowledged one of the simple truths of their existence. This was the LAW Splinter had laid down when they were children. "Is there a point to this?" Mikey asked. "I've known this since I was three."

"Don't you see?" Leo demanded. "The Ancient One showed me super advanced meditation techniques and today when we were meditating, I saw Master Splinter! I saw what he really looked like."

This perked their attention, the three turtles waited anxiously for Leo to get over his dramatic pausing and onwards with the story.

"Master Splinter is a rat!"

Silence.

Raphael blinked blankly and glanced back at his sensei. Master Splinter was a rat? That was crazy talk! It couldn't be!

"That's impossible," Donatello vehemently denied. "He can't be a rat. It makes no sense! According to science, he must be a turtle!"

"Are you serious?" Mikey demanded, eyes wide as he gazed at their master. "You mean, he really isn't our father? We were adopted?"

Master Splinter drooped sadly. "I'm sorry, my sons," he said softly, "I felt I could not burden you with the truth when you were young. It was always my intention when you were older to inform you of your true parentage."

"True parentage?" Leo repeated, a far-away look in his eye. "Who are our parents?"

"Your parents," the rat said slowly, "are turtles."

"Pet shop turtles."

The four mutants exchanged bewildered glances. Of all things ridiculous, pet shop turtles? Splinter swallowed softly as the demented look in Leonardo's eyes grew larger. "You lied to us!" Leo cried. "Our real parents are somewhere out there. You can't be our father!"

"But I am your father-"

"I see what you're up to! You won't turn us to the dark side! Run away, Splinter," the turtle ordered flatly. "Run away and never return!"

Splinter ordinarily would have ignored Leo's hysterics and smacked the turtle with his walking stick, but the insane gleam in the blue turtle's eyes and the way his hands kept twitching towards his katana warned the rat that this wasn't a good idea.

So, he sighed and gathered himself up to leave, certain that his sons would calm down within the next hour and life would resume its normal course. In the mean time, he would take a walk through the sewers to clear his mind, so he could explain himself fully when he returned.

The moment he stepped outside the lair, Leo closed the heavy titanium door and deleted Master Splinter from the friendlies list on the security system.

"Now," he announced, "We must find our parents."


	2. Rebirth

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. If you don't know what a crack fic is, I'd advise looking up Serendepity, she has many wonderful TMNT crack fics. I've never written crack before, so it's been an interesting learning experience. Nevertheless, a crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there, but not the fics themselves. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG.

* * *

><p>"Um, Leo, you are going to let Master Splinter back in right?" Don asked, watching their esteemed leader with a look he normally reserved for those less mentally stable, such as Casey Jones.<p>

"No," Leo replied flatly. "He is no longer part of this clan, due to his non-turtle status. Now, it has recently come to my attention, we no longer have a supervising adult. This must be rectified; we must find our real parents."

Raph blinked again for what must have been the hundredth time in the last five minutes. As much as he relished the change in power dynamics and the freedom due to the lack of a parent, he realised that Leo would be in charge.

That sucked more hairy balls than he could count.

"That sounds…like a great idea, Leo," he said, hardly believing the words coming out of his mouth. He paused and considered his options again, real parents vs Leo. He nodded enthusiastically, "Yes, we should do that. Definitely. As soon as possible. Now would be great."

Leo, ignoring the complete and utter mind shattering weirdness of Raph actually agreeing to him, swept the room with a fevered gaze that had his remaining brothers nodding in assent with him.

The fact that Leo's hand had pulled out a kantana had nothing to do with it.

"We must begin preparations;" Leo said musingly, "For soon, our family will be reunited, once and for all."

"Wait!" Mikey exclaimed, before Leo's self delusions could overwhelm the blue turtle. "Since, we're like, changing our clan and everything, shouldn't we get new names?"

"I beg your pardon?" Leo inquired curiously.

"We're starting over, right?" Mikey said. "Splinter gave us our names, we should get rid of them to make the break complete."

Don and Raph starred completely bewildered at Mikey, whatever Leo had, apparently it was infectious. "I see," Leo nodded, "Yes, you are absolutely right Mikey!"

Those words were a clear herald that the end of the world was coming.

"We have kicked out the deceiver!" Leo went on. "We shall cleanse our souls and our home of his foul influence. The first step is the shedding of our names! For they were given to us by the deceiver to shackle us to his will! From this day forth, I shall no longer be called Leonardo! My new name will be…Toby."

As the two saner turtles sadly witnessed their brains exploding, Mikey enthusiastically jumped up and down, "Yes, yes! I, too, reject the unspellable name of Michelangelo and take up the title of Darth Vader!"

"Embrace your new life Darth Vader!" Toby clapped the rechristened turtle on the back in congratulations. "Now, you, purple one, choose a new name and destiny!"

Don blinked slowly as the magnitude of the sheer insanity slowly began to penetrate the remains of his brain. "I…I shall be called Neo."

The three turtles turned and gazed expectantly at Raph. "What?" he asked defensively.

"Your new name," Toby said impatiently, waving his katana dangerously. "You must choose it."

"Um," Raph didn't think it was worth losing his life over and caved in. "My new name is Raph."

"Raph," the other turtles repeated in unison, gazing contemplatively at him. "That's not really a new name," Toby muttered thoughtfully.

"It is," Raph protested. "My old name was Raphael. Now, I'm Raph, officially."

"I see, I see," Neo nodded in acceptance.

"It's not a bad name," Darth Vader added.

"Raph it is," Toby said, sealing the matter. "Now, we must go and make the name ceremony complete! First we will need a virgin sacrifice…"

* * *

><p>Several sacrifices later…<p>

"We must find our parents," Toby snapped, "In fact, the search will begin now-where's Raph?"

The three turtles glared at the spot once occupied by the conspicuously absent turtle. "Never mind, I have a plan and it will work regardless of Raph's participation or not. Now, Neo, you will need to remain at the lair, Darth Vader, come with me."

Due to years of conditioning, Neo didn't question his leader's vague and somewhat frightening orders. He calmly settled into his lab as his brothers left the lair and opened a document on his computer.

Time to update his fanfics….


	3. Rooftop to Underground Lair

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. A crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there, but not the fics themselves. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG.

* * *

><p>Raph drained the last of his beer and settled as comfortably as he could on the rooftop of Casey's apartment. "So, you guys discovered that Master Splinter really isn't your father," Casey said, tossing him another can.<p>

"Yup," Raph said, "The others have gone absolutely nuts, kicked out Splinter, defriended him on Facebook , changed their names and are going to find our real parents."

Casey gazed sluggishly at the turtle. "Wow," he said. "That's…wow."

They sat in silence for several hours, consuming dangerously large volumes of alcohol. Then a shadow landed on the rooftop.

"A beer, Mr. Jones," Master Splinter said, settling next to Casey.

Without a word, Casey passed a can to the aged ninja master. "How are your brothers doing?" Splinter asked, popping the can open.

"Oh, good, they're gonna go look for our real parents," Raph answered vaguely. "What are you doing here?"

"My son-"

"Don't call me that."

Splinter sighed. "Very well. I came to make you an offer, one that I will not be making to any of your brothers. Come, join me and I will make you my number one son."

Raph's mouth flopped open. "Are you serious?" he demanded. "Like, number, number one?"

The rat patted the turtle's shoulder. "Yes, you will be my second in command in the clan of Splinter. You will take orders from no one but me. I do not make this offer lightly; I will give you plenty of time to make a decision."

"Wow," Raph said, after several moments. His head tilted up and focused on Splinter properly. "Hey, Splinter, where is your clan living?"

The rat paused. "It does…not matter."

"No," Raph pressed drunkenly, "I'm curious. Really, where is our super secret headquarters?"

Splinter's lips tightened. "I'm afraid I do not have a home yet," he replied stiffly.

Casey and Raph gaped at the elderly rat for a moment then burst into laughter. "You're a hobo, sensei!" Raph exclaimed in delight.

"I await your decision," Splinter said with great dignity. "You have my number; you know how to reach me Raphael."

"Raph."

"Huh?"

"My name," the turtle insisted darkly, "Is Raph. Raphael is the name given to me by the great deceiver! I rejected it along with it along with all your evil, malice, hate, influence, darkness, shit, Facebook friendship and…stuff."

The ninja collapsed onto a drunken heap on the ground. Splinter eyed the turtle for a moment, nose twitching at the indignity he'd suffered at the turtle's words, then wordlessly vanished into the night.

There was much he'd need to correct when Raph, no Raphael joined him in the clan of Splinter.

* * *

><p>Several weeks later…<p>

"Neo!" the purple turtle flinched as his name boomed across the lair. Since his brothers had left, he hadn't ventured outside his lab, waiting patiently for Toby's next order. No one had been home for quite a while, although April did venture down into the lair for a brief cameo appearance.

He stumbled out into the living room and stopped, gaping in surprise at the sight of the room.

It was full of boxes and cages full of turtles and in the centre of the chaos stood Toby and Darth Vader. "What?" Neo demanded, gesturing wildly at the things that definitely hadn't been there last time he stepped outside the lab.

"The next stage of our plan is up to you Neo!" Toby said. "I've been collecting all the DNA testing machines I could find and Darth Vader has been gathering up all turtles that could potentially be our parents."

"Toby," Neo said vacantly as he tried to absorb what he was seeing. "How did you know what DNA machines look like?"

The blue turtle gave a smile that clearly stated his loss of sanity. "I broke into a lab and held the lab workers at sword point and demanded that they explain how I could get my hands on a coupl."

"A couple," Neo repeated, opening a box to stare at the treasure inside.

"Neo," Toby said patiently, directing his brother's focus back to the many turtles. "We must start immediately. The lack of a parent within this household is already having negative effects. When was the last time anyone saw Raph?"

"I haven't seen him since the great naming ceremony," Darth Vader said, opening one of the cages and pulling out a…lemur.

"That's not a turtle," Neo said, as he paused in his silent worship of the science gizmo.

"We must consider all possibilities," Toby replied, shoving lettuce into several of the cages and effectively ending any protests about the lemur.

Neo sighed. "Very well, I'll set this up, though it'll definitely take a while to get some results. Also, can someone please locate one of Raph's old bandages; I'll need to get a genetic sample."


	4. Homecoming

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. A crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there, but not the fics themselves. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG.

I'm feeling WAY too generous lately.

* * *

><p>Raph paused as he stepped into the lair. He'd spent a lot of time thinking over Splinter's offer and had finally decided to come back to the lair. His place was with his brothers, after all, not a fake turtle.<p>

A strong musty smell assailed his nose and his beak wrinkled in disgust, Mikey had obviously been experimenting with his cooking again. None of his brothers were in sight, so he headed up to his room, determined to get a breather before his brothers overwhelmed him with their insanity.

He shoved his door open, flipped on the light, gagged as the musty smell grew stronger, then blanked at the sight of his room.

It was full of turtles.

Yes, turtles everywhere, on the floor, in his bookcase, on his desk.

There were two turtles in his hammock even, one with a brightly coloured shell that had to be Mikey's handiwork and that turtle was rather enthusiastically…

"There is a turtle having SEX in my hammock!" Raph screeched. "And it isn't me!"

He stormed through the great flood of turtles and was about to seize the culprits when his brain caught up with his actions and stopped his hand above the shell of the painted turtle.

**Pimp Daddy.**

His brain ran the words over and over again. Someone (the handwriting was distinctively Darth Vader's) had scrawled it in brilliant neon pink on the shell of this particular turtle.

"What is the meaning of this?" he asked coldly as his brothers burst through the door, carefully avoiding the turtles on the floor.

"This is your family," Toby said, not at all bothered by the death glares radiating off his volatile brother. "By the way, you aren't related to the rest of us. But that's okay, you're still part of clan Terrapin."

"I'm not rel-my-my family?," Raph spluttered, glancing round the room.

"We did tests," Neo explained. "Genetic tests on all these turtles. That oversexed guy on your hammock is your father. He's also your brother, and all the other turtles inside this room are his kids and grand kids and great grand kids, which he all fathered. I think that's your niece he's screwing currently."

Toby scooted up to the hammock and fearlessly picked the randy turtle up. "Give your father a hug," he ordered, unfazed by the turtle's squeals of...protest (...yes, let's go with protest)

Raph's brain did a momentary disconnect, then he backed away for the door. "Excuse me," he said. "I've temporarily lost my sanity and I need to find it NOW."

"Very well," Toby sighed, "But do be aware that your family is your responsibility, now. You must come back and feed them soon. And get them an education. You'll need a job, too, to pay for their upkeep. We don't want them to have a horrible upbringing like we did. We must break the cycle of poverty!"

"Yeah, I'll do that," Raph said, heading quickly for the lair's door.

Maybe giving Splinter a call wasn't such a bad idea. Surely life as the number one son of a fake turtle wouldn't be so bad...


	5. Sugar Turtles

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. A crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there, but not the fics themselves. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG.

I probably should be working on the copious amounts of homework I seem to have accumulated...

* * *

><p>Karai, leader of the Foot ninja clan New York and adopted daughter of the Shredder, awoke to the faint footsteps of an intruder. Her breathing deepened as she feigned sleep, fingers tightening on a tanto concealed underneath her sheets and she waited patiently for the presence to make a move, certain that her ninjitsu abilities were more than capable than handling her adversary.<p>

Except…the quiet steps were far too soft to be made by any sort of humanoid creature. And there were a lot of them, now that she aware and listening – hundreds of soft scuffling feet. Her imagination ran wild for a brief moment, and she entertained images of Utroms scurrying about on the ground, preparing to drag her off to some far off planet as punishment.

Which was ridiculous – Utroms had their fancy metal exoskeletons and no ninjitsu stealth abilities, to be able to get this far into the Foot headquarters without notice was beyond their capabilites.

Now she was getting impatient and distracted. Whoever who invading her quarters better hurry up and make a move soon!

As if in answer to her silent thoughts, a light weight settled on her foot. With lightning-fast speed, she kicked the intruder backwards and swung her tanto towards its head.

Well, where its head would have been, had it been a humanoid.

She blinked at the turtle… no, at the _turtles_, milling around the floor. All of them had been painted red and someone had taken the time to tie plastic sai to their shells with scarlet ribbons.

If this was one of her minion's idea of a joke, someone was going to die.

"And so we meet again, Karai!"

She whipped around. Crouched in the darkness of her window sill was…Michelangelo.

"You," she said calmly, like mutant turtles with lemurs on their shoulders camped out in her window were a common, every day occurrence, "have a lot of nerve coming here. Prep-"

She turned her blade aside and a turtle from nowhere smacked into it and rebounded to the ground. Karai gazed contemplatively at the kamikaze reptile before turning to the mutant in her windowsill. "What are these doing in my bed chamber?" she inquired politely, conveniently ignoring the fact that a turtle had somehow managed to launch itself at her despite no visible means of propulsion. She'd been watching Michelangelo and he had definitely not thrown it at her.

"These," the ninja proclaimed dramatically, "are the newest additions of the clan. Specifically, they are all berserker ninja turtles from the line of Raph. They are here to fulfill their weekly clan duty of beating the crap out of the Foot."

"I see," Karai replied, absently scuffing one with her foot. "Michelangelo, how did you get these into my bed chambers without my men noticing?"

"Darth Vader."

"I beg your pardon?"

"My name. My days of existence as Mikey the turtle are over. I am now Darth Vader, Sith Lord of Clan Terrapin. You may address me as Master, Lord Vader or Sir Lord Darth Vader."

Karai blinked and decided it was not worth arguing about – there were many things peculiar about her blood enemies and she'd come to accept that. "Lord Vader, how did you get these turtles into this room?"

Sir Lord Darth Vader snorted and settled back to get comfortable in the narrow window sill. The lemur climbed over his shoulder and settled on his knee. "They are the finest ninjas this clan has ever produced. Sneaking in here was child's play. With their super ninja skills, they convinced some friendly snakes to help them into the building."

"Snakes?" Karai inquired flatly.

"Snakes," Darth Vader confirmed.

The Foot leader nodded then quickly picked one up and held a tanto to its neck. "If they are indeed your kin, surely you must value their lives!" she said with a smirk. "Tell me the location of your lair and I will not harm this one."

"You can't do that!" Darth Vader spluttered in shock, then he calmed and shrugged dismissively. "Actually, go ahead, we have hundreds of them."

Something smacked into Karai's legs and she frowned as yet another turtle somehow managed knock into her. What was disturbing was that she hadn't even seen the reptile move, only a small blur.

"Enough!" she snapped as they began to bombard her, turtles pelting her body. "You insult me with these warriors, for that I will kill them all!"

"No, don't!" Darth Vader cried in warning, "Remember they're from the line of Raph, if you cut them-"

Karai's tanto sliced through one of the ballistic turtles and it exploded into a shower of confectionery and caramel.

" – they turn into that," Vader finished, frowning at her. "It's a well-known fact that those of the line of Raph are secretly soft-hearted, sweet, kind turtles behind their tough exteriors. And don't forget about the berserker part."

The turtles on the ground were not impressed by the murder of their brethren. Chi marks in the shape of love hearts began to glow on the back of their shells and the rabid turtles all launched themselves at Karai.

She fought valiantly as wave after wave of turtles attacked. But in the end, she was overwhelmed, slowed by the increasing amount of caramel coating her arms and legs as she slew the berserker turtles. The last turtles gathered themselves up and sprung at her, sticking to the caramel.

Distantly, she was aware that Darth Vader had abandoned his post by the window, stroking that blasted lemur (why did he have a lemur?) and had wandered over to her as she struggled to move her limbs. "Oh, this is cool, I've never seen the special ultimate-berserker-suicidal finish before!"

She had time to think, "What?" before the remaining turtles exploded. Caramel sloshed all over her body and she was sealed in place, frozen by the rapidly hardening caramel. "Once this stuff dries, you'll never be able to break free," Darth Vader informed her gleefully. "This new breed of ninjas have indeed proved themselves worthy of our clan. I must go home and tell Toby so we can prepare the ritual to elevate them to the ranks of chunin!"

Karai stopped her futile attempts to free herself and sighed. There was something terribly, terribly messed up about her defeat but she didn't know exactly what.


	6. That girl in an alleyway

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. A crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG.

I'm not a fan of OCs, and as a general rule of thumb, I avoid them (says the person who's first TMNT fic had one *blinks* I did what?). So, I'm going to have a play with as many stereotypical plot items as I can and exorcise myself of them at the same time.

* * *

><p>Neo was on one of his trips to the junkyard because he needed spare parts to fix the toaster.<p>

Again.

For some obscure reason, even though the toaster had been locked within a safe, complete with fingerprint recognition and an electronic retina scanner to prevent access to it by anyone but Neo, it had somehow managed to break itself.

Again.

And so Neo, genius as he was, was still unable to discover the reason for this complete and utter failure in mechanics, and had decided to continue this endless cycle of breakage and repair.

Again.

As he jumped from one rooftop to the next, he heard a piercing scream in the alley beneath him. He immediately shrunk into the shadows, certain that he had been seen, then he heard the low laughs of male voices and immediately realised (through his incredible powers of deduction) he'd stumbled upon on a rape attempt.

Again.

He poked his head over the roof edge, sure enough: three Purple Dragons had cornered a girl and were in the process of beating the crap out of her.

Again.

Neo sighed and jumped down into the alley, unleashed devastating ninjitsu moves on the Purple Dragons that left them in various states of the death process and then gathered himself up to head to the junkyard.

"Wait!" the girl stumbled towards him. "Please don't go, my sexy reptilian rescuer!"

Neo paused, uncertain how exactly the girl had managed to pinpoint his non-human characteristics when he'd been utilising his ninja techniques but shrugged it off. This wasn't the first time it had happened after all.

"Yes?" he sighed impatiently, eyes quickly scanning the would-be victim.

Of course, she was a total babe, with flaming rainbow hair and eyes that changed colour with light. She had impossibly large boobs, probably because she ingested a large amount of silicon during her childhood and long, slender legs that tottered as they attempted to keep her upright in spite of her massive knockers.

"I love you," she said, "Please take me with you!"

Neo blinked, opened his mouth to decline, then he remember his other errand. He pulled out a list and pen and consulted it for a few moments while the girl stood around and anxiously postured.

"Okay," he said, scribbling down a few frantic notes. "Just a couple of questions though."

"Sure," the girl said.

"Are you a virgin?" Neo asked, pen poised, ready for her answer.

The girl frowned. "That's a strange question; do you regularly ask strangers that?"

"Yes," Neo replied frankly. "It's an important question, and I need to know before I take you with me."

"Okay," the girl shrugged calmly. "I'm not a virgin."

Neo chewed on his pen thoughtfully then jotted down some scribbles. "And how did you lose your virginity?"

"Oh, it was terrible," the girl cried, tears welling her eyes. She bravely took a deep breath and proceeded with her story, "I've had a horrible childhood, my parents sold me to a laboratory belonging to Doctor Stockman and he and the Shredder sexually abused me. They also brainwashed me, I'm secretly an assassin whose ultimate purpose is to lure you into false sense of security and then stab you in your sleep. But I broke free of their brainwashing after they showed me a picture of your sexy ass, ever since then I've been wandering the streets of New York, searching for you, because even though I was raped and abused and tentacle raped and should have no desire for any sort of intimate contact until I've had serious therapy, I still want to have your strange, inhuman, mutant babies."

Neo finished taking notes and nodded in sympathy. "Unfortunately, you aren't a virgin, so we can't use you in the chunin sacrificial ritual for Raph's kin, which is what I really need right now. But you can never have too many drama-angst-rape victims," he said, knocking her out with his bo.

Screw the toaster, he was running low in anti-rape and anti-mpreg potions and it have been a while since he'd managed to acquire such prime ingredients.

* * *

><p>*blinks innocently* Well, they needed to get their sacrifices from somewhere.<p> 


	7. Relativity

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. A crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG. Speaking of Dee, she has some of the most awesome TMNT fics out there. Go read her stuff, seriously.

Hmm, it would seem that the end of this fic will be out by the middle of next week.

* * *

><p>"Ahahahahaha!" Neo's mad scientist cry echoed through the lair early one morning.<p>

Raph still hadn't returned from his search for his missing brain and had missed out on the elevation of his family to a rank beyond his. Thus only Darth Vader and Toby were around to hear the sound of pure insanity.

They abandoned their new clan mates to their morning training and scampered off to the lab. The unattended turtles immediately wandered away from the dojo in search of food and…breeding opportunities.

They burst into Neo's lab to find the purple turtle innocuously feeding one of their more normal relatives and reading a printout.

"Neo?" Toby asked curiously.

"I've got your results," Neo looked up calmly, as though he hadn't just let loose a sound revealing the utter madness lurking in his soul.

"Ooh," Darth Vader brightened and approached Neo, clearly unbothered by the turtle's instability and potential to bring about the end of the world. "So go on, is it a boy?"

Neo sighed and smacked Darth Vader. His genius was so unappreciated at times! "Well, Darth Vader, this turtle here is your sister," he said, gesturing to the reptile he was currently feeding.

"Really?" Darth Vader picked the turtle up and looked her over. "We don't really look that similar," he murmured, "I mean, look at her colours. I'm a jade green and she's more olive with all these funky yellow swirls. Not to mention how ugly she is. Are you sure your results are correct?"

"The machine never lies," Neo replied, affronted by the question.

"If you say so," Darth Vader muttered doubtfully, carefully inspecting his sister.

"What about me?" Toby asked, stepping closer.

"Ah yes, I found your mother Toby," Neo said, he paused for a moment then let out another absolutely insane laugh. "She's right over there," he said, jamming a finger at the turtle in Darth Vader's arms.

"What?" Toby asked blankly.

"She can't be Toby's mother!" Darth Vader protested, pulling away from the other turtles. "She's my sister! She's all innocent and pure and stuff! She's can't have had sex! Especially before me!"

"Do you doubt the machine?" Neo asked with a steely glint in his eyes, hands creeping towards his bo, ready to defend blasphemy against his lords and masters.

"Are you telling me my sister is a whore?" Darth Vader demanded.

"What?" distracted, Neo's hands fell away from his weapon. "I just said – "

"Did you just call my mother a whore?" somehow the two turtles had failed to notice that Toby had unsheathed both his katana and looked like he was contemplating murdering them both.

"No," they replied quickly, carefully stepping back from Toby.

"Good," Toby relaxed slightly, lowering one of his blades. "Have you found any other relatives?"

"No," Neo answered, glancing down at the printout. "These were the last tests; they must still be out there."

"I see," Toby's eyes narrowed in thought and the two turtles awaited the next stage of their leader's plan. "Darth Vader, your sister is a single parent. You have an obligation to help your sister raise and provide for her family."

Darth Vader's mouth flopped open and he frowned at the other turtle. "You mean _you_. You seem to be the one benefitting from the situation."

"I happen to be part of your sister's family," Toby shrugged innocently, "So, I supposed it would cover me."

The orange banded turtle paused to argue then started to grin. "Have some respect for your uncle!" Darth Vader snapped, "You don't get to tell me what to do; I shall decide how to handle the upbringing of my sister's children! I mean, you! You have no right to decide how I raise you!"

Toby blinked dumbly for a moment, then mentally backtracked. "Wait, no you don't!"

"Yes, yes I do! It is my brotherly right and duty as an uncle! In absence of your father, I shall be the authority figure in your life! Young man, you answer to me now!"

As the two degenerated into an all-out argument, Neo sighed as he stared at the printout results, all of which were negative for him.

Where was his family?


	8. Wrapping Up

TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. A crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG. Speaking of Dee, she has some of the most awesome TMNT fics out there. Read her stuff, seriously.

I'm feeling ultra generous and decided to finish this fic.

* * *

><p>Raph stepped silently into his room, growling internally at the sight of his swinging hammock. How the hell did his father and his…sister (or was that his niece?) even get up there? He quickly began to gather a few of his personal belongings into a bag, a spare set of sais, a couple of ninja masks, belts, knee pads. His hands paused over his stack of…adult magazines. The pile had been disturbed.<p>

He frowned when he caught sight of the missing magazine, carefully directing his gaze at the magazine only – somehow it had wound up in his hammock, open on the page with the girl with the…

His eyes unwittingly flew over to the two turtles beside it.

The few fragments left of his brain exploded and he stood still for a long moment as some semblance of sentience tried to pull itself together.

"Old man," he wheezed when he was finally capable of basic speech at last, "You are a nasty little turtle. I don't even want to know where you got the whip. And the turtle-sized handcuffs. Or the chocolate sauce. Do turtles even eat chocolate sauce? No, wait, it doesn't matter, because I am out of here."

As Raph tiptoed out of his room, a piercing, soul collapsing scream ricocheted out of the lab, startling him into the door. Swearing wildly, he took off to the lab, his protective instincts overriding his more sensible decision to get the dodge out of fuck.

"Neo!" Toby and Darth Vader joined him in an epic dash to the lab, meaning they all got stuck at the door and struggled furiously for several seconds to get inside.

The purple banded turtle was clutching the lemur hysterically and heaving great sobs as he gazed blankly at a printout in front of him. "I don't understand!" he blubbered. "This can't be right!"

"What's wrong Neo?" Darth Vader asked as they carefully approached the unstable turtle. "Did your computer get spammed with lesbian spider queen porn again?"

"The machines!" Neo moaned. "They have got to be correct, otherwise things won't make sense. Our lives won't make sense! It is they who put order to meaningless chaos. It is they who decide our destiny and saw fit to grant us sentience! They must be right! They must be!"

"Of course they are," Toby replied soothingly, placing a reassuring hand on the turtle's shoulder.

"You think?" Neo asked desperately, wheeling his chair round to face the others. "Do you really believe that?"

"No," Raph muttered under his breath as Toby emphatically said, "Yes," the blue banded turtle shot Raph a glare, then continued, "They always must be right. For it is they who showed us the way to protect ourselves from annoyingly stupid girls who are always trying to have our babies. Never forget that."

"Of course," Neo hiccupped. "How could I? It is they who gave me the key to safeguard my virginity. Without their secret rituals, I would have been raped several times over! The machines are right, they are always right!"

With this resolution in mind, Neo abruptly calmed, tears vanishing as his brain switched to another gear altogether, his crisis of faith over. "I've discovered my parentage," he said calmly.

"Whoa!" Darth Vader exclaimed excitedly, "That's so awesome."

"The machines have told me," Neo intoned dramatically, "And as Toby has reminded me, the machines are always correct. I must accept their decree, for they speak only the truth."

"I am not a turtle."

Toby inhaled sharply as the other two turtles' eyes widened in disbelief. "You-what?" Darth Vader squeaked, nervously glancing at his nephew.

"Yes, the machines have confirmed it. This lemur reproduced asexually to have a child. That child is me. I am actually a lemur."

* * *

><p>"You-what?" Toby demanded flatly.<p>

"A lemur," Neo replied patiently, nodding to the specimen on his legs. "You said we had to explore all possibilities so I did. I checked the lemur and our DNA sequences are identical. The only way this could have happened is if the lemur reproduced asexually."

"That…doesn't make sense," Darth Vader responded weakly.

"The machines say it is so. I'm inclined to believe them and so should you," Neo answered tartly. "Unless you doubt the validity of the machines?"

Darth Vader mutely shook his head, not willing to restart that crisis.

"So, you aren't a turtle?" Toby asked with a vacant curiosity.

"No, I'm actually a member of the order Primates, suborder Strepsirrhini," the purple turtle said. "I'm a very, very distant cousin to humans."

"You're a mammal!" the blue banded turtle exclaimed in disgust. "You can't be a terrapin!"

"What?"

"I see what you are now! You're a spy sent by the great deceiver! Planted innocuously in our midst so that even in his absence, you could continue to spread his lies and evil! Your plans are at an end, disciple of the deceiver!"

As Toby unsheathed his swords, ready to decapitate Neo, Raph stepped forward, "Um, cool the fuck down Toby, I'll handle this," he said, grabbing Neo by the arm.

"You will?" Toby paused and cocked his head curiously at Raph, for some reason, the mere fact that Raph was volunteering to do something for him struck a wrong chord.

"Yeah, I will, somewhere far away from the lair, so we don't have to clean up," Raph said, attempting to give a winning grin. The end result was a constipated grimace but it still managed to do the trick.

"Very well, I'm pleased to see you take such an active role in the clan," Toby said with an indulgent wave. "Take the spy away. I never want to see him again."

Before the other turtles could say another word, Raph dragged Neo and the lemur from the lair. As they stumbled through the sewer tunnels, Neo's brain finally caught up with his situation. "Toby wants to kill me!" he squeaked abruptly.

"Yep," Raph grunted.

"For being a lemur!"

"Yep."

"But it isn't something I chose! I can't help that I'm a lemur and not a turtle!"

"Yep."

"He should accept me for who I am, not what I am!"

"The clan doesn't work that way."

"But the machines, it's by their decree that I'm a lemur! Surely they have nothing against lemurs."

"I don't even know where you guys got that shit about the machines from," Raph replied, "Or how you wound up worshipping them."

"Oh," Neo was crestfallen at his brother's ignorance. He perked slightly and glanced at Raph. "Do you want to hear about them? How it all started?"

"No," Raph said flatly.

"Very well." After several minutes of silence, something else occurred to him. "Are you going to kill me?"

"No," Raph repeated with an impatient growl.

"Then what are we doing?"

"I'm going to make a phone call."

* * *

><p>"Toby?"<p>

"What?"

"What are we really going to do with these turtles?"

"Darth Vader, Karai was only the first step, we shall continue to breed and train these turtles until we have an army. Then one day, we will rise up and overrun the surface world with our overwhelming numbers and skill. Then the true age of our clan's reign shall begin! We shall hunt down every abnormal teenage girl that ever plans to fall into the sewers and eradicate them all. After that, we will ban dark alleys. Every alley must have proper lighting and its own set of security guards. When our utopia is finally created, I'm going to learn how to play the saxophone and spend the rest of my life as a jazz saxophonist."

* * *

><p>Somewhere, in a top secret alleyway far away from New York, an elderly rat stroked his chin as he plotted the demise of several ordinary pet shop turtles. In the darkness of his hidden base, a shell cell suddenly rang.<p>

He answered with a satisfied smirk as the fruition of his plans came one step closer. "Hello Raphael. Yes...yes... I believe we can make a deal…"

...

...

...

"Hello? Master Splinter? Dang, he cut the call. Again."

END


	9. Bonus chapter: Never Ever

TMNT does not belong to me. Petshop turtles is unfortunately at an end because it utterly destroyed my mind writing it. However, for all those who need their crack fix, here's a bonus chapter instead.

How many of you know DeeMG, my awesome beta for Petshop Turtles? All of you should be raising your hands because you went and read her stuff. Anyway, if you're following Sceptres and Strategies, you'll be devastated by this next bit of news. Dee mentioned a pairing which she believed should never be written and threatened to never finish S&S if I wrote anything pertaining to this pairing. I, of course, saw this as a challenge and wrote something regardless. Needless to say, Chapter 12 of Sceptres and Strategies was irrevocably deleted by accident. Whoops.

Ahem, may I present to you Krang/OT Shredder?

* * *

><p>"This…" the Shredder backed away from Krang with a look of mounting horror, "I don't this is ever going to work, Krang. Ever."<p>

The alien shrugged dismissively. "I think you're right," Krang didn't sound at all displeased with this decision.

"I mean, our physiology alone…" the Shredder paused and considered it, then shook his head, scarred for life by the images, "I just don't see it happening."

"No, no, it's fine," Krang assured him. "I made the offer because it's a custom of my people, we've worked for so long together and I thought it was rather rude of me."

"Let's just stick to trying to kill the turtles," the Shredder said weakly.

The alien nodded happily. "Yes, the turtles!"

And life in the technodrome returned to normal after that blip of weirdness...

* * *

><p>Bepop and Rocksteady steadily backed away from the control room. "What was that?" Bepop grunted as they retreated.<p>

"I'm not entirely sure," Rocksteady replied, "But it looked wrong. Completely wrong."

They paused and tried to wipe their minds of what had just been witnessed. But unfortunately what had been seen could not be unseen. "Let the turtles beat the crap out of us?" Rocksteady suggested.

Bepop nodded fervently. "Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea. If we're lucky, they might actually kill us."

* * *

><p>...Fortunately, Dee had only written two words of Chapter 12. They were, "Chapter 12."<p> 


End file.
